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1660: First cuckoo clock invented by
Shlongrich von Ding Dong, Copenhagen, Denmark.
1790: Steve Naidich's
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother
invents the thong. Burned at stake. Odessa, Russia.
Nov. 1999: Last decent punk rock bar on
Lower East Side goes totally yuppie.
Sep. 2000: Homicidal Morningside
Heights slumlord informs KKK-baiting downtown comedian Steve
Naidich that former video store (read "crack
house") is available immediately for "business
opportunity". Naidich immediately phones
retired clothing magnate & notorious whoremonger Bill
Nolan. Nolan, upon hearing Naidich's proposition,
tells Naidich to go fuck himself.
Oct. 2000: Local police precinct
informs Naidich & Nolan that neighborhood is utterly
resistant to gentrification. Delighted, they sign
lease.
Dec. 2000: Renovation of space at 929
Columbus Ave begins with "Inches" magazine
centerfold Toby in charge of construction. Ancient
pornography discovered in airshaft under miles of used crack
vials. Naidich unloads porn on E-Bay, financing
mahogany bar.
Feb. 16, 2001: Ding Dong Lounge opens
to public. Stunned neighborhood locals, expecting
to hear salsa, are introduced to The Dead Boys. Eldery
man collapses, requring medical attention. Rice
and beans will never taste the same.
Mar. 2001: Former lead singer of
"Kansas" becomes regular in bar. Naidich
and Nolan call Page Six, to no avail.
Apr. 2001: Mermaid Parade celebrity
"Chet" hired for Happy Hours. Sales go through
roof. Naidich and Nolan notice slight decline in personal
sexual conquests.
May 2001: Ding Dong Lounge receives
hefty summons from local police for replacing beer taps with
guitar handles.
June 2001: Bob Dylan walks past bar.
July 2001: Ding Dong Lounge kicked out
of Upper West Side Bar League for replacing darts with dirty
needles.
Sep. 11, 2001: Islamic fundamentalists
attempt attack on Ding Dong Lounge - hit World Trade Center
instead.
Oct 2001: Worlds greatest band,
Australia's Cosmic Psychos, play Ding Dong as only stop on
North American tour.
Nov. 2001: Unfazed by dead economy,
Naidich and Nolan expand bar into next-door crack-selling
bodega whose lease had expired. Local prostitute, Dee,
squirts milk from nipple at customer.
Dec. 2001: Chet continues to play Tom
Verlaine records. Drunk unemployed dot-commers and local
riff-raff try to pick up hot Columbia University co-eds.
June 2002: The Raunch Hands play their
only US show at the bar. Years of hard earned sobriety
lost.
July. 2002: Talia
Tied becomes bar regular resulting in an unprecedented
nightly rush of local bodega owners.
New Years Eve 2002/2003: Boston punk
rock legends Lyres, DMZ and The Real Kids play gig together
for the first time in 25 years.
February 2003: Local police precinct
commander informs community meeting that biggest crime
problem in neighborhood is now Chinese delivery guys getting
mugged in the projects. Smart ass Naidich stands and
rues for the "good old days".
March 2003: Demolition Doll Rods play
two year anniversary party.
May 2003: To protest the new NYC
smoking ban in bars, Ding Dong regulars light a homeless man
on fire.
June 2003: Ding Dong Lounge opens in
Melbourne Australia (18 Market Lane, Rock'n'roll
Level 1). Nolan and Naidich attend grand opening party
and learn that Down Under, after a night of drinking, it's
the bed that spins in the opposite direction.
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